Sharing My Life In Progress

One of the biggest lessons I learned last year was my idolatry of finishing things. God recently allowed me to revisit this topic again as I reflected on a similar manifestation of that idol: I have a  tendency to present myself in "final draft form."

It has taken me so long to realize and finally articulate my tendency because I have been doing this unknowingly and unintentionally most of my life. It isn't that I always want to appear put-together, I just don't naturally share my life struggles right away and I like to wait until I finish processing the lessons God is teaching me before I talk about them or write about them. As a result, when I do share my weaknesses, it is usually in retrospect and in a conclusive sort of way. (This is the same way I share on my blog, too.) I also love doing things that have a natural end result, like decorating my home, designing invitations, planning surprises and giving gifts. All of these artistic endeavors have a presentation element to them. I love working hard on something and seeing the final product come together. I love seeing the delight in loved ones' faces when they receive/experience something I created for them. I think my tendency to present myself in a "finished way" is partially due to my introverted personality, partially due to my creative genes and the love of producing aesthetically-pleasing work, and probably also due to my upbringing and being the older sister in the family.

Now, 26 years into my life and married (being married exposes so many new things about yourself!), I have seen how living a life of always appearing "finished" -even unknowingly- puts expectations and pressure upon myself and on others that can be very detrimental. It can paint an unrealistic picture of what it means to live a life daily relying on God's grace. It can start to allow little lies to undermine the truth that I am wholly dependent on God in every way. Nowhere in Scripture does God command us to perform perfectly in order to earn His love or that a good follower of Christ is someone who never appears to be struggling. In fact, living a life of performance and perfection is the exact opposite of what the Gospel is about. His grace is perfected in our weakness! (2 Corinthians 12:9) What I have learned is that my heart may be in the right place, but if I do not intentionally share my life in progress and acknowledge that a final product is not the goal, others may mistakenly think I have my life put-together- or worse, that I am "perfect." That is the very last thing I want people to think. How easily I, too, can start to believe that my life is filled with perfect finished pieces! That is also the very last thing I want myself to believe. It is not wrong to enjoy completed things or to share later, after the storm, but I know that for me and for the specific weaknesses I struggle with, I need to intentionally devote my time to sharing my life in progress.

And so, with all of that said, I was very encouraged by an email a kindred-spirit artist friend sent me:

"I don't update [my blog] as much as I would like but hopefully more as I create more. I think as artists we are so creatively hard on ourselves. I actually do a ton of creative work, as you know, so much of creative work is life (the things we buy, cook, the notes we write, the blogs we visit, our doodles and dreams etc.)...But often what I create isn't to my standard of sharing. But I'm finding how valuable sharing is! and how it blesses people and inspires people."

The email was a gentle reminder for me, not just to share the beauty of God's gift of creativity to the world, but also to show His goodness through my day-to-day struggles of following Him, when things aren't as ready or finished as I want them to be. It was also a push to not be afraid to share when I don't know what the ending will look like. How often I have been blessed by sisters who share their struggles with me as they are wrestling through them! The beauty is in the process, the journey, seeing what I was and what He is transforming me to be.

And so I pray that my life, this blog, my projects, my speech -all of it- may be full of in-progress exhibitions.

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Growing in Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage

My husband gently told me last night that it has been 6 months since I last wrote in this blog. I didn't believe him at first because it didn't seem like it was that long ago that I sat down in a coffee shop to write. Thankfully, my surprise was not unfounded in the sense that I have been going to a coffee shop almost every week to reflect, but I have forgotten that I have been writing more in my journal and less on this blog. Truth be told though, it has been difficult to quiet my heart and spend time deeply thinking and writing very much lately. 

Erick is well into seminary now and I am well into the rhythms of my job at the seminary, but Erick and I are still learning and adjusting to our lives here. I do wonder how different (if it is that different) it would be if we were growing together in our first years of marriage with Erick not in seminary. What we have been experiencing is all we have known, but I wonder what struggles are unique to having a spouse in seminary and what struggles are common to all marriages. I'm sure we are experiencing a good mix of both. God has been and is so good. We are daily relying on His grace to have the strength to love and serve one another. I am continually reminded of how weak I am in my self-sufficiency and how free I am when my affections are centered on Him.

One of the topics we have been discussing lately is how to grow in our spiritual intimacy. Interestingly enough, we have discovered in our first year of marriage that the way we each share, worship, meditate, pray, is often very different from the way the other does these things. For example, prayer is a very intimate time for me and I like to spend my longer times of prayer at night, before I go to sleep. Erick likes to spend his times of prayer in the early morning, before he does anything else. Erick likes to pray out loud, and I like praying silently to myself.  As the introverted half of Amy and Erick, it is more difficult for me to articulate my thoughts right away and share what God has been teaching me, while Erick seems to be always ready to jump into a discussion. The differences in the way we each nurture our walks with Jesus often makes it difficult to understand or know how to grow together in our walk. The question we have been asking is, How can we now, as a married couple, share and grow in our spiritual intimacy? Especially since, in a lot of ways, we are different? This question sometimes stirs fear in me when I start believing lies that I am somehow less spiritual or less spiritually compatible with Erick because of our differences. Or that we somehow have a gap in our marriage because we don't fully understand each other in every nook and cranny of each other's life. This question can sometimes bring discouragement to both of us, too, when it seems like we have made little progress or feel frustrated at feeling not fully understood in an area of our life that is so important to us.

We are thankful, because God has been bringing a couple of things to mind as we have been discussing and praying over this question:

The first thing we have come to realize is that in our discouragement, we can forget to give thanks for our marriage. We can and need to rejoice in the union we have in Christ. There is sweet, sweet unity in the body of Christ, and a very unique oneness in the joining of a man and a woman in marriage. In marriage God has given us the privilege of demonstrating Christ's relationship with the church, a beautiful depiction described in Ephesians 5:22-33. We can rejoice and praise God for the oneness He has given us in marriage and the gospel that is proclaimed through our union. This is a privilege and a joy we should not forget! He has saved us, redeemed us, and brought us together because we are better together than apart and we are one for His glory. Our marriage is not measured by how compatible we are, and in fact, God is given all the more glory when our differences cause us to need to work on our marriage actively and depend on Him. We can give thanks for the one thing we have in common, the most important one thing that already binds us so tightly together as one: that we both call Jesus Savior and Lord! That is a beautiful, beautiful privilege and joy.

The second thing we have come to realize is that we cannot do anything without Him. Even growing in our spiritual intimacy requires God's gentle leading and guidance. Both of us are very independent and in our natural state, try and take care of things by ourselves or like to think we are in control. Erick has been navigating how to lead us as the spiritual leader of the family and he is learning that in order to be the leader of our family, he needs to be deeply abiding in Christ so that he can be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.  I am learning to humbly acknowledge my need of Jesus as I learn how to fulfill my role as Erick's wife. I am also learning how to follow the way God is leading Erick, submitting with joy and encouraging my husband with patience as he continues to learn and grow in his role.

The third thing that keeps us focused on Truth is the reminder that our ultimate goal is not to be understood by the other person. We are both already fully and wholly understood by God and that frees us to serve one another, to be patient and and compassionate toward one another as we continue to learn more about one another and how we can serve God together.

These truths help guard our hearts from disappointment and discouragement as we try to navigate growing in our spiritual intimacy. Marriage has been a journey of joy and a journey of humility for the both of us. It requires constant, daily, care and constant, daily, prayer. And He has always been faithful.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. - 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Digging the empty cistern of comparison

It is a big temptation of mine to compare myself to other women I see on Facebook and Instagram. I was recently convicted of this again when I started to compare my wedding to a friend’s wedding a month ago. I kept going back to look at her photos to see how elaborate and well-planned her wedding day was and found myself trying to re-convince myself that mine was better, prettier, etc. It was an awful thing to compare! Especially because the things I was comparing were the minor parts of the joyous celebration and I wasn't rejoicing at the greatest gift of the day: marrying Erick and being with all of our loved ones! Somehow, I thought, if I could believe that my wedding was the most DIY-amazing, I would be happy.

Comparison is a daily struggle for me, made more difficult too because I also love going online and browsing people’s photos, art, and blogs for inspiration. My creative parts love seeing new and beautiful things, but my sinful heart can take something beautiful and turn it into something so ugly. Comparison is also a struggle that creeps up on me in such a sneaky way that I often don’t realize that I was comparing until I’m knee-deep in discontent and anxiety. Comparison leads to discontentment, which leads to bitterness or striving after empty things that ultimately, don’t satisfy.

For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water. - Jeremiah 2:13

As women, I think we are particularly prone to comparison because of our natural disposition to look at ourselves through the eyes of others. We are constantly asking and wondering how we appear (physically and otherwise) to other people and how we stand in relation to others. We also look at other women and see how they appear and covet whatever it is that we think we lack. Today's social media makes comparison that much more tempting and the emphasis of apperances that much more important. At its worst, we feel momentary satisfaction when we think we are better than the women we are comparing ourselves to. I admit, my comparison does not usually result in happiness or praise for the other person; instead it usually results in me striving to find ways to surpass the other person (in beauty, talent, possessions), and when I feel I have surpassed her, I am temporarily happy.  This constant comparison is enslaving, tears down women around me, and traps me into placing worth in worthless and temporary things. And yet, in the midst of all of this, I am reminded that Jesus offers living water that does satisfy and a freedom from this bondage of comparison.

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free…Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” - John 8:31-32, 34-36

 

Jesus sets us free from the bondage of comparison, of jealousy and striving with His death on the cross. Because of His death, our eyes are opened to seeing that we have all been going after broken cisterns that hold no water. By His grace we can then draw near to God and come to know that only He, the One of infinite value and worth, can satisfy. And this sets us free.

 

Jesus has saved me, and at the cross He died for my sins. I am precious and loved. I have the Living Water, I will hunger and thirst no more. 

 

A particular passage from Scripture has brought great conviction and comfort as I struggle with the temptation to compare my life to others' lives. Toward the end of John 21, Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him and tells Peter to follow Him. He also tells Peter how it is that Peter will die. Peter responds by pointing to John, asking Jesus how it is that John will die, instead of focusing on the purpose that Jesus has for his own life. Jesus responds, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” - John 21:22

I am set free from looking and comparing my life to someone else's. He has a plan and purpose for me and I lack nothing. I follow Him!

Like Grass

This week our city was hit with a sudden shock of cold. The temperature dipped into the low 30's, bringing us a few gray mornings with ice and frost. I didn't think we'd start using the ice scraper so soon! One of these quiet mornings, while trying to defrost the ice on my car before going to work, I decided to brave the biting cold a few more minutes to take a picture: delicate frost was clinging to the blades of grass outside our apartment in such a beautiful way and I knew that it would be gone by mid-morning.

Later that evening, when I came home from work, I noticed that one of our outdoor hanging plants, which was once bright purple and thriving, had become dull and lifeless, with its stems and leaves drooping over the edges of its pot. In just one day, what was once alive and growing became dead and limp. The little plant did not survive the cold.

---

We read Isaiah 40 in Sem Wives class this week and I was reminded again of just how great and majestic our God is, and then of how fragile we are:

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance?  - Isaiah 40:12

All flesh is like grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the LORD blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever. - Isaiah 40:6b-8

We are like grass, here today and gone the next; He holds the oceans in the hollows of His hand. I was reminded this week that, in my natural state, I magnify myself and minimize God without much thought. But God is so much bigger, so much greater than I often remember Him to be! And also, we are far more fragile and dependent and in need of Him than I like to think we are!

Isaiah 40 is breathtaking and I need that perspective adjustment daily. How beautiful the Gospel is when we see Him as He is!

Bezalel

See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills— to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of crafts.-Exodus 31:2-5

I received a surprise text message from a close friend a couple of weeks ago that really encouraged me and came alongside a lot of thoughts that have been swirling around more in my head lately. In the text message, my friend wrote out Exodus 31:2-5 and encouraged me in my artistic abilities. It was a sweet and timely push.

Before moving to Louisville, Erick and I prayed and committed the next 3-4 years of our lives to the Lord's equipping and preparation for whatever He would have in store for us in ministry. We knew that for Erick this meant being a full-time seminary student; for both of us, serving at a local church, engaging in our city and investing in the relationships around us; and for me, we prayed that the Lord would help me explore my creative gifts and talents, use this time to grow them and prune them, and show me how I can use them for ministry.

After committing these things to prayer I have found it very intimidating to tackle what to do next. I have a bunch of interests in mind and a thousand ideas that I dream about more than actually practically settling on a specific plan for one idea to come to fruition. Baker? Coffee shop owner? Graphic Designer? All three rolled into one? What about timing? Resources? Can I actually even do it?

It's scary to think about all the could-be's and would-be's and if-only's, but when I reflect on how my past ideas and plans have turned out, it is wonderful to realize that, more often than not, they rarely turn out the way I pictured or planned.  In my pride, I get lost in my plans and always begin thinking I am in complete control of the outcome. God's plans somehow always surpass what I ask or imagine and remind me that I am not in control- and praise God, I am not!

So rather than panicking and busying my hands, trying to pick up stones to build my own path, I will first be still and give my hands to Him. Any path I try to build on my own is temporary and will most certainly crumble. I want my path to be His and for my eyes to be set on the right prize before I go any further.

One Year

Erick surprised me with a weekend away for our first anniversary. Unbeknownst to me, he had already packed my bags (with all details down to the very last toiletry necessity) and cancelled all weekend events I had made for us by the time he picked me up from work two Fridays ago. My sweet husband whisked me away one weekend early to Springfield, Kentucky, where we spent a night at the lovely Maple Hill Manor bed and breakfast and played with alpacas, picked apples, and watched the sun set over deep green hills.

Needless to say, it was the perfect way to celebrate our one year landmark. The next weekend we visited a new cafe we discovered and spent the quiet afternoon reflecting on the Lord's goodness to us and all the things we learned and desire to grow in for our marriage. The reflection will continue, we concluded, as we want to constantly be thinking about what the Lord is/has been showing us, but we are thankful for this one year mark to pause and intentionally praise Him for His faithfulness in our life together. What an adventure it has been! A year marked with joy, challenge, forgiveness, grace and dependence on the Lord as we are continually being knit together as one.

How time flies!

(Today I am blogging from home. My cousin spoiled me with visits to cute cafes while I was in Taiwan, so here's a photo from Park Cafe in Taipei!)

How did it come to be June already? How time really seems to fly! Earlier this month, while I was reading update emails from friends, I thought to myself, "Wow! How did that already happen?! Didn't she just start her medical program? Wait, when did he graduate?" etc. Erick made a remark that time is flying faster to us, especially in this season of life. I wonder why. I know part of my wonderment comes from thinking that somehow other people's lives have stopped since we moved to Louisville, but life goes on and the world certainly doesn't revolve around us!

Two weeks ago we were invited to a really sweet couple's home for dessert. The couple is from a church we have been visiting the last couple of months. The husband and wife were so sweet and genuinely wanted to get to know us and we ended up chatting for a couple of hours with brownie and ice cream desserts in hand. Something the wife said stuck with me when I asked her about motherhood: "We always idealize the next season of life. But it is never how we think it will turn out. Motherhood was much harder than I ever imagined. People say marriage is sanctifying, which it is, but motherhood? Oh my, motherhood is so much dying to self! It's not what I imagined and some days it is really hard, but it is good. So good and much better for me." I thought she articulated season changes so well. I certainly idealized marriage! And there have certainly been days when I thought to myself, "How did it get so hard?" But it has been good. So good. Because I have learned more about my need of a Savior and the grace I need each day to love, serve, and follow my husband. The way the sovereign Lord has placed Erick in my life to grow me, sanctify me, and prune me to become a more godly and faithful woman has been such a priceless gift.

So how do I respond to knowing that I idealize/we tend to idealize the next season in life? Perhaps it is to not hold too tightly to the expectations (though some expectation is inevitable! And not wrong!) and to trust in God's sovereignty when the challenges come. To know that challenges will come, but to not let idealized pictures of the future dictate your/my next steps. To know that, though what you/I thought was best or what you/I thought would make you/me happy does not turn out, the Lord knows what truly is best and what is good. And for that we can rejoice. Nothing is outside of His good and perfect plan for us.

This kind of reflection about the future is a great reminder for us now as Erick transitions out of his previous job and as we wait patiently and pray for the Lord to provide a new job for Him. We recently recalculated and analyzed our finances and, praise God, are doing fine financially. We know this is a gift. We are convicted to constantly remind ourselves that it is not the gift (being financially stable) that ought to grant us security, but the Giver Himself. I pray that we may continue to depend on the Lord, seek Him and trust Him as this chapter closes for Erick and as we continue each day here in Louisville, Kentucky. Whatever comes next!