One of the biggest lessons I learned last year was my idolatry of finishing things. God recently allowed me to revisit this topic again as I reflected on a similar manifestation of that idol: I have a tendency to present myself in "final draft form."
It has taken me so long to realize and finally articulate my tendency because I have been doing this unknowingly and unintentionally most of my life. It isn't that I always want to appear put-together, I just don't naturally share my life struggles right away and I like to wait until I finish processing the lessons God is teaching me before I talk about them or write about them. As a result, when I do share my weaknesses, it is usually in retrospect and in a conclusive sort of way. (This is the same way I share on my blog, too.) I also love doing things that have a natural end result, like decorating my home, designing invitations, planning surprises and giving gifts. All of these artistic endeavors have a presentation element to them. I love working hard on something and seeing the final product come together. I love seeing the delight in loved ones' faces when they receive/experience something I created for them. I think my tendency to present myself in a "finished way" is partially due to my introverted personality, partially due to my creative genes and the love of producing aesthetically-pleasing work, and probably also due to my upbringing and being the older sister in the family.
Now, 26 years into my life and married (being married exposes so many new things about yourself!), I have seen how living a life of always appearing "finished" -even unknowingly- puts expectations and pressure upon myself and on others that can be very detrimental. It can paint an unrealistic picture of what it means to live a life daily relying on God's grace. It can start to allow little lies to undermine the truth that I am wholly dependent on God in every way. Nowhere in Scripture does God command us to perform perfectly in order to earn His love or that a good follower of Christ is someone who never appears to be struggling. In fact, living a life of performance and perfection is the exact opposite of what the Gospel is about. His grace is perfected in our weakness! (2 Corinthians 12:9) What I have learned is that my heart may be in the right place, but if I do not intentionally share my life in progress and acknowledge that a final product is not the goal, others may mistakenly think I have my life put-together- or worse, that I am "perfect." That is the very last thing I want people to think. How easily I, too, can start to believe that my life is filled with perfect finished pieces! That is also the very last thing I want myself to believe. It is not wrong to enjoy completed things or to share later, after the storm, but I know that for me and for the specific weaknesses I struggle with, I need to intentionally devote my time to sharing my life in progress.
And so, with all of that said, I was very encouraged by an email a kindred-spirit artist friend sent me:
"I don't update [my blog] as much as I would like but hopefully more as I create more. I think as artists we are so creatively hard on ourselves. I actually do a ton of creative work, as you know, so much of creative work is life (the things we buy, cook, the notes we write, the blogs we visit, our doodles and dreams etc.)...But often what I create isn't to my standard of sharing. But I'm finding how valuable sharing is! and how it blesses people and inspires people."The email was a gentle reminder for me, not just to share the beauty of God's gift of creativity to the world, but also to show His goodness through my day-to-day struggles of following Him, when things aren't as ready or finished as I want them to be. It was also a push to not be afraid to share when I don't know what the ending will look like. How often I have been blessed by sisters who share their struggles with me as they are wrestling through them! The beauty is in the process, the journey, seeing what I was and what He is transforming me to be.
And so I pray that my life, this blog, my projects, my speech -all of it- may be full of in-progress exhibitions.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)