Growing in Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage

My husband gently told me last night that it has been 6 months since I last wrote in this blog. I didn't believe him at first because it didn't seem like it was that long ago that I sat down in a coffee shop to write. Thankfully, my surprise was not unfounded in the sense that I have been going to a coffee shop almost every week to reflect, but I have forgotten that I have been writing more in my journal and less on this blog. Truth be told though, it has been difficult to quiet my heart and spend time deeply thinking and writing very much lately. 

Erick is well into seminary now and I am well into the rhythms of my job at the seminary, but Erick and I are still learning and adjusting to our lives here. I do wonder how different (if it is that different) it would be if we were growing together in our first years of marriage with Erick not in seminary. What we have been experiencing is all we have known, but I wonder what struggles are unique to having a spouse in seminary and what struggles are common to all marriages. I'm sure we are experiencing a good mix of both. God has been and is so good. We are daily relying on His grace to have the strength to love and serve one another. I am continually reminded of how weak I am in my self-sufficiency and how free I am when my affections are centered on Him.

One of the topics we have been discussing lately is how to grow in our spiritual intimacy. Interestingly enough, we have discovered in our first year of marriage that the way we each share, worship, meditate, pray, is often very different from the way the other does these things. For example, prayer is a very intimate time for me and I like to spend my longer times of prayer at night, before I go to sleep. Erick likes to spend his times of prayer in the early morning, before he does anything else. Erick likes to pray out loud, and I like praying silently to myself.  As the introverted half of Amy and Erick, it is more difficult for me to articulate my thoughts right away and share what God has been teaching me, while Erick seems to be always ready to jump into a discussion. The differences in the way we each nurture our walks with Jesus often makes it difficult to understand or know how to grow together in our walk. The question we have been asking is, How can we now, as a married couple, share and grow in our spiritual intimacy? Especially since, in a lot of ways, we are different? This question sometimes stirs fear in me when I start believing lies that I am somehow less spiritual or less spiritually compatible with Erick because of our differences. Or that we somehow have a gap in our marriage because we don't fully understand each other in every nook and cranny of each other's life. This question can sometimes bring discouragement to both of us, too, when it seems like we have made little progress or feel frustrated at feeling not fully understood in an area of our life that is so important to us.

We are thankful, because God has been bringing a couple of things to mind as we have been discussing and praying over this question:

The first thing we have come to realize is that in our discouragement, we can forget to give thanks for our marriage. We can and need to rejoice in the union we have in Christ. There is sweet, sweet unity in the body of Christ, and a very unique oneness in the joining of a man and a woman in marriage. In marriage God has given us the privilege of demonstrating Christ's relationship with the church, a beautiful depiction described in Ephesians 5:22-33. We can rejoice and praise God for the oneness He has given us in marriage and the gospel that is proclaimed through our union. This is a privilege and a joy we should not forget! He has saved us, redeemed us, and brought us together because we are better together than apart and we are one for His glory. Our marriage is not measured by how compatible we are, and in fact, God is given all the more glory when our differences cause us to need to work on our marriage actively and depend on Him. We can give thanks for the one thing we have in common, the most important one thing that already binds us so tightly together as one: that we both call Jesus Savior and Lord! That is a beautiful, beautiful privilege and joy.

The second thing we have come to realize is that we cannot do anything without Him. Even growing in our spiritual intimacy requires God's gentle leading and guidance. Both of us are very independent and in our natural state, try and take care of things by ourselves or like to think we are in control. Erick has been navigating how to lead us as the spiritual leader of the family and he is learning that in order to be the leader of our family, he needs to be deeply abiding in Christ so that he can be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.  I am learning to humbly acknowledge my need of Jesus as I learn how to fulfill my role as Erick's wife. I am also learning how to follow the way God is leading Erick, submitting with joy and encouraging my husband with patience as he continues to learn and grow in his role.

The third thing that keeps us focused on Truth is the reminder that our ultimate goal is not to be understood by the other person. We are both already fully and wholly understood by God and that frees us to serve one another, to be patient and and compassionate toward one another as we continue to learn more about one another and how we can serve God together.

These truths help guard our hearts from disappointment and discouragement as we try to navigate growing in our spiritual intimacy. Marriage has been a journey of joy and a journey of humility for the both of us. It requires constant, daily, care and constant, daily, prayer. And He has always been faithful.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. - 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

One Year

Erick surprised me with a weekend away for our first anniversary. Unbeknownst to me, he had already packed my bags (with all details down to the very last toiletry necessity) and cancelled all weekend events I had made for us by the time he picked me up from work two Fridays ago. My sweet husband whisked me away one weekend early to Springfield, Kentucky, where we spent a night at the lovely Maple Hill Manor bed and breakfast and played with alpacas, picked apples, and watched the sun set over deep green hills.

Needless to say, it was the perfect way to celebrate our one year landmark. The next weekend we visited a new cafe we discovered and spent the quiet afternoon reflecting on the Lord's goodness to us and all the things we learned and desire to grow in for our marriage. The reflection will continue, we concluded, as we want to constantly be thinking about what the Lord is/has been showing us, but we are thankful for this one year mark to pause and intentionally praise Him for His faithfulness in our life together. What an adventure it has been! A year marked with joy, challenge, forgiveness, grace and dependence on the Lord as we are continually being knit together as one.

How time flies!

(Today I am blogging from home. My cousin spoiled me with visits to cute cafes while I was in Taiwan, so here's a photo from Park Cafe in Taipei!)

How did it come to be June already? How time really seems to fly! Earlier this month, while I was reading update emails from friends, I thought to myself, "Wow! How did that already happen?! Didn't she just start her medical program? Wait, when did he graduate?" etc. Erick made a remark that time is flying faster to us, especially in this season of life. I wonder why. I know part of my wonderment comes from thinking that somehow other people's lives have stopped since we moved to Louisville, but life goes on and the world certainly doesn't revolve around us!

Two weeks ago we were invited to a really sweet couple's home for dessert. The couple is from a church we have been visiting the last couple of months. The husband and wife were so sweet and genuinely wanted to get to know us and we ended up chatting for a couple of hours with brownie and ice cream desserts in hand. Something the wife said stuck with me when I asked her about motherhood: "We always idealize the next season of life. But it is never how we think it will turn out. Motherhood was much harder than I ever imagined. People say marriage is sanctifying, which it is, but motherhood? Oh my, motherhood is so much dying to self! It's not what I imagined and some days it is really hard, but it is good. So good and much better for me." I thought she articulated season changes so well. I certainly idealized marriage! And there have certainly been days when I thought to myself, "How did it get so hard?" But it has been good. So good. Because I have learned more about my need of a Savior and the grace I need each day to love, serve, and follow my husband. The way the sovereign Lord has placed Erick in my life to grow me, sanctify me, and prune me to become a more godly and faithful woman has been such a priceless gift.

So how do I respond to knowing that I idealize/we tend to idealize the next season in life? Perhaps it is to not hold too tightly to the expectations (though some expectation is inevitable! And not wrong!) and to trust in God's sovereignty when the challenges come. To know that challenges will come, but to not let idealized pictures of the future dictate your/my next steps. To know that, though what you/I thought was best or what you/I thought would make you/me happy does not turn out, the Lord knows what truly is best and what is good. And for that we can rejoice. Nothing is outside of His good and perfect plan for us.

This kind of reflection about the future is a great reminder for us now as Erick transitions out of his previous job and as we wait patiently and pray for the Lord to provide a new job for Him. We recently recalculated and analyzed our finances and, praise God, are doing fine financially. We know this is a gift. We are convicted to constantly remind ourselves that it is not the gift (being financially stable) that ought to grant us security, but the Giver Himself. I pray that we may continue to depend on the Lord, seek Him and trust Him as this chapter closes for Erick and as we continue each day here in Louisville, Kentucky. Whatever comes next!

On Finishing Things

John Piper recently wrote his first-day thoughts on not being a pastor anymore.

I’ve been thinking about how much I love finishing things. I get great pleasure in finishing — a poem, a sermon, a book, or cutting the grass, or fixing the dripping faucet, or selling our car. It’s hard for me to walk away from something half done. 

I think Piper describes it so perfectly- because I get him! While Piper is describing an end of a season, I have been reflecting on the start of this new one. During this new season of life of being a new wife and a seminarian's wife, I have actually thought a lot about how good it feels to finish things, too.  Many of the new responsibilities of this new season of life have brought to light how much I really do treasure a completed task (and in converse, how much restlessness I can feel when a task is left incomplete!).

Before I started my job at the seminary, the Lord gave us many months to settle into our home, into the city, and into our new roles as husband and wife. I am so thankful for these months, because they gave me the opportunity to learn and get used to many practical things like managing an apartment, grocery shopping with a week of food for two in mind, cooking for a husband, and decorating and making an apartment a warm home. On a particular day, while I was trying to accomplish the many to-dos I had on my list, something happened that prevented me from crossing off a big item on my list. I don't even remember anymore what it was, but I do remember that it was something that prevented me from crossing off other things on my list and that really frustrated me. I was determined to finish the remaining tasks I could, so I got back into the car and started driving to my errands. My first thought as I wrestled with my frustration was, what can I do to make these feelings go away? Immediately I thought, maybe I should pick up some materials and make a craft, or find a recipe and bake something..anything. And then I realized, to my shame, that I was so uncomfortable with having unfinished tasks that I needed to start something new, something small, just so I could finish it and experience the instant gratification I so wanted. This was my idol. The more I reflected on it, the more I could see the truth of this idol in my life, because of the new opportunities I had to fall into it in this season of life.

I started to see how much my life now is filled with things that need to be constantly invested in, nurtured, and revisited over time. Groceries can be bought, but after a week of eating, another trip to the market will have to be made. Dishes can be washed and put away, but just after a couple of hours, the same dry, clean dish will be used for a sticky snack. The living room can be vacuumed, organized and decorated, but daily life will dirty the carpet and shift the pillows. As a result, I started to bustle so much more in this new season of responsibilities, striving for the moments, even if they were short, of having everything done. I longed for a time when all would be stocked, put away, clean, and I could let go and move on to something else. A time, when I could finish something and, well, not have to think about it anymore. I also noticed that I had started and finished a large amount of diy projects during our first couple of months here. I was excited about decorating and arranging new things in our apartment, but I had gotten to the point where I would spend an entire day on a project, just so I could finish it and start another one. I just wanted to start and finish things to finish them. (Erick started sensing that something was wrong and, thankfully, he called me out on it!)

I realized, too, that this was something I had trouble with in college, too. Somewhere between first year and my fourth year, I started to see things (and sadly, sometimes my relationships with people) more as temporary, than long-term commitments. There was never any intention to hurt anyone or to deliberately move on, but I just didn't seem to understand how to maintain things for a long period of time. Maybe because I also over committed to a lot of things, and felt so overwhelmed that I didn't know how to manage it all. That afternoon, in the quiet of my own car, the Lord helped me see that the desire in my heart to have things finished or in a "resting state" is directly related to my heart's strong resistance to progression or incremental, long-term investment. Because, I realized, progression and investment take so much work. And I? In my selfish desires, just want to have the satisfaction of being done, especially when there is so much I think I have to be doing.

But the Christian life is not like that. Life is not like that.

The Christian life is a life of progressive sanctification, of growing, investing daily, walking daily, following my Savior. And relationships aren't built with one big expression of kindness, but of daily sacrifices and encouragements, weekly decisions to intentionally have date nights, of conversations upon conversations of growing trust and shared struggles. I am not done, His work is not done in me, and my goal in life is not to complete something for the sake of finishing it. It is not to exert all I have in a short amount of time, so that I can relax at the end of it, proud of my accomplishment. I surround myself with things I have to do, try to do, all on my own. Then crumble under the weight of trying to do it all, wanting to do it all, and finishing it all. The Lord calls me to discern what is best, and to put that first- Him. He calls me to let go of the things that may be good, but that which may distract me from pursuing Him. He calls me trust Him, to cease striving, to run the race, to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and to run each step well. He calls me to patience, to waiting, to the more difficult and challenging task of building persistence and endurance on the things that matter. My walk with Him is a daily trusting in His faithfulness, a daily application of His promises, of abiding in Him. I need to revisit these over and over.

The Lord used the quiet alone time in the car, a time when I had to sit still and listen, to reveal the restlessness in my heart. There is much to fix and rearrange in my heart, I know, but the Lord is already revealing so much in His abundant grace, and I am so thankful. There is so much beauty in the way He is gently pruning me, day after day, leading me to be more like His son.

And you know what is so wonderful? At the cross, Christ already finished what I absolutely cannot.

After this, Jesus, knowing that all things had already been accomplished, to fulfill the Scripture, said, “I am thirsty.” A jar full of sour wine was standing there; so they put a sponge full of the sour wine upon a branch of hyssop and brought it up to His mouth. Therefore when Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, “It is finished!” And He bowed His head and gave up His spirit. (John 19:28-30)

Come, Spring

The weather here has been fairly all over the place and the only thing predictable about it is that it is unpredictable! Last Tuesday we had another surprise day of snow fall, which interrupted our continuous streak of 30 degree+ days the week prior. This snow quickly melted away by the late afternoon of the same day and the temperature has been slowly climbing back up again.Today the temperature hit the 60's, which is  so wonderfully warm and inviting after so many months of cold. There is a large group of daffodils planted near the entrance to our apartment complex that I have been watching every morning as I drive by on the way to work. They started to bloom early last weekend, drooped and shriveled the day it snowed, and today are in full, glorious bloom. I'm quite impressed by the little guys, their resistance to the cold and persistence in blooming despite the freezing temperatures makes me relieved and happy. I was so sad to see them start to wilt last Tuesday and so happy to see them pop right back up again today. Perhaps a small reflection of the life and hope in our Risen King, putting Death in its grave? :) I've heard so much talk about the gorgeous Spring season here that I'm rooting for the weather to finally settle down and the little flowers to come out. Come, Spring!

Erick and I decided to take a lovely 2.5 mile walk around Cherokee Park today! The park was highly recommended by friends and one even mentioned how beautiful the park looks in the Spring when the daffodils bloom. (Yes! I can't believe it either! It seems that daffodils grow in the wild here!) So we set off this afternoon looking for daffodils and other wildflowers, which, to our delight, were starting to cover the hills and creek beds! Pops of yellow everywhere in the midst of the dead leaves that hint at more life to come!

Lessons on Expectations

Sadly, Google Reader is on its way out, but Feedly has been my new blog feed organizer and I love it! It's visual, clean, and so fun to use. I do admit, having my reading organized in this new way does make me want to read more! :) This week I was so encouraged by a woman who wrote about her realization of the selfish expectations she had in her marriage. (Click here to read her post!)I was humbled as I realized that I also fall so perfectly into this same weakness and have had a blind eye to it for so long. It wasn't until marriage that I realized that I had so many expectations! My heart was deeply convicted and when I shared my new findings about my heart to Erick over dinner last night, a wide grin spread across his face. Erick has actually been trying to explain to me how difficult it can be when he feels like I have expectations he can't fulfill.Often times these expectations are not premeditated or even realized, but are exposed in our marriage when they aren't met. My sin creeps in when I allow disappointment to fester into bitterness. We both have expectations and we are learning that having them isn't necessarily wrong. Two different people with two different backgrounds, personalities, and ways of thinking are bound to run into many unmet expectations and misunderstandings. It is, however, wrong to let my disappointment set the standard of what is supposed to be objectively right and wrong in our relationship, and to set my husband up for failure when I have expectations that I never communicated or that end up being self-centered. We are learning that navigating through these different expectations requires much patience and grace. 

To take the woman's conclusion a little bit further, Erick and I came up with some additional conclusions of our own: I/we need to first examine to see if my/our expectations are good, neutral or selfish. If they are selfish or neutral, they may not be worth sharing at all and we need to repent. I/we also need to prepare my/our heart's response for when my/our expectations aren't met. In the emotion of disappointment, my natural and first desire is to have the expectation fulfilled for my own sake. Instead, I can seek to understand how Erick is expressing his love and service to me in his way, and be thankful. We can then decide together and communicate what serves one another. Erick lovingly shared that he really appreciates it when I tell him how I want to be served. In fact, it serves him greatly when I tell him, instead of having him having to play a game of "guess what Amy wants" because I want to be surprised. This also gives me opportunity to examine my expectations, share the ones that are good, and seek to set him up for success, and not for failure. Erick's job is not to fulfill my sinful desires and wants and he also can't read my mind! By God's grace we will grow in knowing each other and serving one another, fulfilling the right expectations, tossing out the bad ones and putting each other above ourselves, with God over all.

I'm so thankful for the blog posts I have been able to read from godly women who are daily relying on God's grace in the midst of their honest struggles! What a great demonstration of the body of Christ at work and the beauty of being encouraged by older women. There is such freedom in acknowledging weakness! Such freedom when  there is a God who saves.

A Year's Worth of Coffee Shops

For my 25th birthday, Erick gave me the thoughtful (and unconventional!) gift of a year's worth of weekly coffee shop sabbaths.  His gift was a way to encourage me to spend deep, unhurried time with the Lord, to devote a special portion of every week to prayer, the Word, reflecting, processing and writing, in an environment that he knows I love and reflect best in. He's heard me say time and time again how I would love to write more, how beneficial and good it has been for me, and he has also seen how some sort of life thing or distraction (including my own self!) has kept me from doing so. I am so thankful that, with his encouragement, I can be more intentional in devoting and protecting time to reflecting and writing again. I think I will start treasuring these weekend afternoons. :)

This is also my confession that I am frightened at the thought of starting to blog again, but also very excited because I know this discipline of writing is both good for my soul and an opportunity for me to share my Savior's grace in my life, and hopefully bless you along the way. I am also excited at the thought of being more consistent in dedicating myself to intentionally organizing the things the Lord is teaching me, in having a place to exercise and continue to foster my love of art, design, and His beauty in every day things, and a place for me to remind myself that my life is not meant to be saved up and shared in a finale of perfection, but in the daily, weekly confessions of my need of His grace in my life.

So here's to a year's worth of coffee shop sabbaths and, by His grace, more than that :) Here's to the beginning of blogging as a new wife, in a new city, a new state, and a new adventure.

July 28, 2012

Erick Loh, I, Amy Lin, give myself to you as your earthly wife. I promise to love you and to cherish you, to respect you and follow you as the leader of our family, to be first abiding deeply in the Lord and placing my ultimate trust in Him as we walk together in marriage. I promise to support you and encourage you in the way that honors the Lord and serves you, as we testify together to the Gospel of the grace of God.  I promise to put you before me, to pray for you, to trust you as you listen and lead us in the paths the Lord has prepared for us. I promise that I will be yours until death parts us or our Lord comes again.  I promise these things before God and our family and friends, for His glory to be manifested in our marriage, as a picture of Christ and the church.

Photo Credit: Akemi Furuyama

Old lessons and new ones

I was really blessed by this article today. Some old lessons that need revisiting and some new lessons that need applying :) So thankful that the difficulties and struggles we have had in our relationship are not unique to us! More on this later :)

Here is the article: Husbands: Some Assembly Required

God-centered

Amanda + Jacob | Feature from Paperback Films on Vimeo.

So blessed by Amanda and Jacob's God-centered wedding and marriage. Their vows move me so much. I am sober-minded and joyful in a quiet and still way. The magnitude and power of such a beautiful event makes me hold my breath. Lord, would you have this for Erick and I? Lord, cultivate in me a heart that longs to see you glorified most of all. It is so beautiful to have you at the center.