Sharing My Life In Progress

One of the biggest lessons I learned last year was my idolatry of finishing things. God recently allowed me to revisit this topic again as I reflected on a similar manifestation of that idol: I have a  tendency to present myself in "final draft form."

It has taken me so long to realize and finally articulate my tendency because I have been doing this unknowingly and unintentionally most of my life. It isn't that I always want to appear put-together, I just don't naturally share my life struggles right away and I like to wait until I finish processing the lessons God is teaching me before I talk about them or write about them. As a result, when I do share my weaknesses, it is usually in retrospect and in a conclusive sort of way. (This is the same way I share on my blog, too.) I also love doing things that have a natural end result, like decorating my home, designing invitations, planning surprises and giving gifts. All of these artistic endeavors have a presentation element to them. I love working hard on something and seeing the final product come together. I love seeing the delight in loved ones' faces when they receive/experience something I created for them. I think my tendency to present myself in a "finished way" is partially due to my introverted personality, partially due to my creative genes and the love of producing aesthetically-pleasing work, and probably also due to my upbringing and being the older sister in the family.

Now, 26 years into my life and married (being married exposes so many new things about yourself!), I have seen how living a life of always appearing "finished" -even unknowingly- puts expectations and pressure upon myself and on others that can be very detrimental. It can paint an unrealistic picture of what it means to live a life daily relying on God's grace. It can start to allow little lies to undermine the truth that I am wholly dependent on God in every way. Nowhere in Scripture does God command us to perform perfectly in order to earn His love or that a good follower of Christ is someone who never appears to be struggling. In fact, living a life of performance and perfection is the exact opposite of what the Gospel is about. His grace is perfected in our weakness! (2 Corinthians 12:9) What I have learned is that my heart may be in the right place, but if I do not intentionally share my life in progress and acknowledge that a final product is not the goal, others may mistakenly think I have my life put-together- or worse, that I am "perfect." That is the very last thing I want people to think. How easily I, too, can start to believe that my life is filled with perfect finished pieces! That is also the very last thing I want myself to believe. It is not wrong to enjoy completed things or to share later, after the storm, but I know that for me and for the specific weaknesses I struggle with, I need to intentionally devote my time to sharing my life in progress.

And so, with all of that said, I was very encouraged by an email a kindred-spirit artist friend sent me:

"I don't update [my blog] as much as I would like but hopefully more as I create more. I think as artists we are so creatively hard on ourselves. I actually do a ton of creative work, as you know, so much of creative work is life (the things we buy, cook, the notes we write, the blogs we visit, our doodles and dreams etc.)...But often what I create isn't to my standard of sharing. But I'm finding how valuable sharing is! and how it blesses people and inspires people."

The email was a gentle reminder for me, not just to share the beauty of God's gift of creativity to the world, but also to show His goodness through my day-to-day struggles of following Him, when things aren't as ready or finished as I want them to be. It was also a push to not be afraid to share when I don't know what the ending will look like. How often I have been blessed by sisters who share their struggles with me as they are wrestling through them! The beauty is in the process, the journey, seeing what I was and what He is transforming me to be.

And so I pray that my life, this blog, my projects, my speech -all of it- may be full of in-progress exhibitions.

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Growing in Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage

My husband gently told me last night that it has been 6 months since I last wrote in this blog. I didn't believe him at first because it didn't seem like it was that long ago that I sat down in a coffee shop to write. Thankfully, my surprise was not unfounded in the sense that I have been going to a coffee shop almost every week to reflect, but I have forgotten that I have been writing more in my journal and less on this blog. Truth be told though, it has been difficult to quiet my heart and spend time deeply thinking and writing very much lately. 

Erick is well into seminary now and I am well into the rhythms of my job at the seminary, but Erick and I are still learning and adjusting to our lives here. I do wonder how different (if it is that different) it would be if we were growing together in our first years of marriage with Erick not in seminary. What we have been experiencing is all we have known, but I wonder what struggles are unique to having a spouse in seminary and what struggles are common to all marriages. I'm sure we are experiencing a good mix of both. God has been and is so good. We are daily relying on His grace to have the strength to love and serve one another. I am continually reminded of how weak I am in my self-sufficiency and how free I am when my affections are centered on Him.

One of the topics we have been discussing lately is how to grow in our spiritual intimacy. Interestingly enough, we have discovered in our first year of marriage that the way we each share, worship, meditate, pray, is often very different from the way the other does these things. For example, prayer is a very intimate time for me and I like to spend my longer times of prayer at night, before I go to sleep. Erick likes to spend his times of prayer in the early morning, before he does anything else. Erick likes to pray out loud, and I like praying silently to myself.  As the introverted half of Amy and Erick, it is more difficult for me to articulate my thoughts right away and share what God has been teaching me, while Erick seems to be always ready to jump into a discussion. The differences in the way we each nurture our walks with Jesus often makes it difficult to understand or know how to grow together in our walk. The question we have been asking is, How can we now, as a married couple, share and grow in our spiritual intimacy? Especially since, in a lot of ways, we are different? This question sometimes stirs fear in me when I start believing lies that I am somehow less spiritual or less spiritually compatible with Erick because of our differences. Or that we somehow have a gap in our marriage because we don't fully understand each other in every nook and cranny of each other's life. This question can sometimes bring discouragement to both of us, too, when it seems like we have made little progress or feel frustrated at feeling not fully understood in an area of our life that is so important to us.

We are thankful, because God has been bringing a couple of things to mind as we have been discussing and praying over this question:

The first thing we have come to realize is that in our discouragement, we can forget to give thanks for our marriage. We can and need to rejoice in the union we have in Christ. There is sweet, sweet unity in the body of Christ, and a very unique oneness in the joining of a man and a woman in marriage. In marriage God has given us the privilege of demonstrating Christ's relationship with the church, a beautiful depiction described in Ephesians 5:22-33. We can rejoice and praise God for the oneness He has given us in marriage and the gospel that is proclaimed through our union. This is a privilege and a joy we should not forget! He has saved us, redeemed us, and brought us together because we are better together than apart and we are one for His glory. Our marriage is not measured by how compatible we are, and in fact, God is given all the more glory when our differences cause us to need to work on our marriage actively and depend on Him. We can give thanks for the one thing we have in common, the most important one thing that already binds us so tightly together as one: that we both call Jesus Savior and Lord! That is a beautiful, beautiful privilege and joy.

The second thing we have come to realize is that we cannot do anything without Him. Even growing in our spiritual intimacy requires God's gentle leading and guidance. Both of us are very independent and in our natural state, try and take care of things by ourselves or like to think we are in control. Erick has been navigating how to lead us as the spiritual leader of the family and he is learning that in order to be the leader of our family, he needs to be deeply abiding in Christ so that he can be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.  I am learning to humbly acknowledge my need of Jesus as I learn how to fulfill my role as Erick's wife. I am also learning how to follow the way God is leading Erick, submitting with joy and encouraging my husband with patience as he continues to learn and grow in his role.

The third thing that keeps us focused on Truth is the reminder that our ultimate goal is not to be understood by the other person. We are both already fully and wholly understood by God and that frees us to serve one another, to be patient and and compassionate toward one another as we continue to learn more about one another and how we can serve God together.

These truths help guard our hearts from disappointment and discouragement as we try to navigate growing in our spiritual intimacy. Marriage has been a journey of joy and a journey of humility for the both of us. It requires constant, daily, care and constant, daily, prayer. And He has always been faithful.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. - 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Digging the empty cistern of comparison

It is a big temptation of mine to compare myself to other women I see on Facebook and Instagram. I was recently convicted of this again when I started to compare my wedding to a friend’s wedding a month ago. I kept going back to look at her photos to see how elaborate and well-planned her wedding day was and found myself trying to re-convince myself that mine was better, prettier, etc. It was an awful thing to compare! Especially because the things I was comparing were the minor parts of the joyous celebration and I wasn't rejoicing at the greatest gift of the day: marrying Erick and being with all of our loved ones! Somehow, I thought, if I could believe that my wedding was the most DIY-amazing, I would be happy.

Comparison is a daily struggle for me, made more difficult too because I also love going online and browsing people’s photos, art, and blogs for inspiration. My creative parts love seeing new and beautiful things, but my sinful heart can take something beautiful and turn it into something so ugly. Comparison is also a struggle that creeps up on me in such a sneaky way that I often don’t realize that I was comparing until I’m knee-deep in discontent and anxiety. Comparison leads to discontentment, which leads to bitterness or striving after empty things that ultimately, don’t satisfy.

For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water. - Jeremiah 2:13

As women, I think we are particularly prone to comparison because of our natural disposition to look at ourselves through the eyes of others. We are constantly asking and wondering how we appear (physically and otherwise) to other people and how we stand in relation to others. We also look at other women and see how they appear and covet whatever it is that we think we lack. Today's social media makes comparison that much more tempting and the emphasis of apperances that much more important. At its worst, we feel momentary satisfaction when we think we are better than the women we are comparing ourselves to. I admit, my comparison does not usually result in happiness or praise for the other person; instead it usually results in me striving to find ways to surpass the other person (in beauty, talent, possessions), and when I feel I have surpassed her, I am temporarily happy.  This constant comparison is enslaving, tears down women around me, and traps me into placing worth in worthless and temporary things. And yet, in the midst of all of this, I am reminded that Jesus offers living water that does satisfy and a freedom from this bondage of comparison.

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free…Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” - John 8:31-32, 34-36

 

Jesus sets us free from the bondage of comparison, of jealousy and striving with His death on the cross. Because of His death, our eyes are opened to seeing that we have all been going after broken cisterns that hold no water. By His grace we can then draw near to God and come to know that only He, the One of infinite value and worth, can satisfy. And this sets us free.

 

Jesus has saved me, and at the cross He died for my sins. I am precious and loved. I have the Living Water, I will hunger and thirst no more. 

 

A particular passage from Scripture has brought great conviction and comfort as I struggle with the temptation to compare my life to others' lives. Toward the end of John 21, Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him and tells Peter to follow Him. He also tells Peter how it is that Peter will die. Peter responds by pointing to John, asking Jesus how it is that John will die, instead of focusing on the purpose that Jesus has for his own life. Jesus responds, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” - John 21:22

I am set free from looking and comparing my life to someone else's. He has a plan and purpose for me and I lack nothing. I follow Him!

Like Grass

This week our city was hit with a sudden shock of cold. The temperature dipped into the low 30's, bringing us a few gray mornings with ice and frost. I didn't think we'd start using the ice scraper so soon! One of these quiet mornings, while trying to defrost the ice on my car before going to work, I decided to brave the biting cold a few more minutes to take a picture: delicate frost was clinging to the blades of grass outside our apartment in such a beautiful way and I knew that it would be gone by mid-morning.

Later that evening, when I came home from work, I noticed that one of our outdoor hanging plants, which was once bright purple and thriving, had become dull and lifeless, with its stems and leaves drooping over the edges of its pot. In just one day, what was once alive and growing became dead and limp. The little plant did not survive the cold.

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We read Isaiah 40 in Sem Wives class this week and I was reminded again of just how great and majestic our God is, and then of how fragile we are:

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance?  - Isaiah 40:12

All flesh is like grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the LORD blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever. - Isaiah 40:6b-8

We are like grass, here today and gone the next; He holds the oceans in the hollows of His hand. I was reminded this week that, in my natural state, I magnify myself and minimize God without much thought. But God is so much bigger, so much greater than I often remember Him to be! And also, we are far more fragile and dependent and in need of Him than I like to think we are!

Isaiah 40 is breathtaking and I need that perspective adjustment daily. How beautiful the Gospel is when we see Him as He is!

Bezalel

See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills— to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of crafts.-Exodus 31:2-5

I received a surprise text message from a close friend a couple of weeks ago that really encouraged me and came alongside a lot of thoughts that have been swirling around more in my head lately. In the text message, my friend wrote out Exodus 31:2-5 and encouraged me in my artistic abilities. It was a sweet and timely push.

Before moving to Louisville, Erick and I prayed and committed the next 3-4 years of our lives to the Lord's equipping and preparation for whatever He would have in store for us in ministry. We knew that for Erick this meant being a full-time seminary student; for both of us, serving at a local church, engaging in our city and investing in the relationships around us; and for me, we prayed that the Lord would help me explore my creative gifts and talents, use this time to grow them and prune them, and show me how I can use them for ministry.

After committing these things to prayer I have found it very intimidating to tackle what to do next. I have a bunch of interests in mind and a thousand ideas that I dream about more than actually practically settling on a specific plan for one idea to come to fruition. Baker? Coffee shop owner? Graphic Designer? All three rolled into one? What about timing? Resources? Can I actually even do it?

It's scary to think about all the could-be's and would-be's and if-only's, but when I reflect on how my past ideas and plans have turned out, it is wonderful to realize that, more often than not, they rarely turn out the way I pictured or planned.  In my pride, I get lost in my plans and always begin thinking I am in complete control of the outcome. God's plans somehow always surpass what I ask or imagine and remind me that I am not in control- and praise God, I am not!

So rather than panicking and busying my hands, trying to pick up stones to build my own path, I will first be still and give my hands to Him. Any path I try to build on my own is temporary and will most certainly crumble. I want my path to be His and for my eyes to be set on the right prize before I go any further.

How time flies!

(Today I am blogging from home. My cousin spoiled me with visits to cute cafes while I was in Taiwan, so here's a photo from Park Cafe in Taipei!)

How did it come to be June already? How time really seems to fly! Earlier this month, while I was reading update emails from friends, I thought to myself, "Wow! How did that already happen?! Didn't she just start her medical program? Wait, when did he graduate?" etc. Erick made a remark that time is flying faster to us, especially in this season of life. I wonder why. I know part of my wonderment comes from thinking that somehow other people's lives have stopped since we moved to Louisville, but life goes on and the world certainly doesn't revolve around us!

Two weeks ago we were invited to a really sweet couple's home for dessert. The couple is from a church we have been visiting the last couple of months. The husband and wife were so sweet and genuinely wanted to get to know us and we ended up chatting for a couple of hours with brownie and ice cream desserts in hand. Something the wife said stuck with me when I asked her about motherhood: "We always idealize the next season of life. But it is never how we think it will turn out. Motherhood was much harder than I ever imagined. People say marriage is sanctifying, which it is, but motherhood? Oh my, motherhood is so much dying to self! It's not what I imagined and some days it is really hard, but it is good. So good and much better for me." I thought she articulated season changes so well. I certainly idealized marriage! And there have certainly been days when I thought to myself, "How did it get so hard?" But it has been good. So good. Because I have learned more about my need of a Savior and the grace I need each day to love, serve, and follow my husband. The way the sovereign Lord has placed Erick in my life to grow me, sanctify me, and prune me to become a more godly and faithful woman has been such a priceless gift.

So how do I respond to knowing that I idealize/we tend to idealize the next season in life? Perhaps it is to not hold too tightly to the expectations (though some expectation is inevitable! And not wrong!) and to trust in God's sovereignty when the challenges come. To know that challenges will come, but to not let idealized pictures of the future dictate your/my next steps. To know that, though what you/I thought was best or what you/I thought would make you/me happy does not turn out, the Lord knows what truly is best and what is good. And for that we can rejoice. Nothing is outside of His good and perfect plan for us.

This kind of reflection about the future is a great reminder for us now as Erick transitions out of his previous job and as we wait patiently and pray for the Lord to provide a new job for Him. We recently recalculated and analyzed our finances and, praise God, are doing fine financially. We know this is a gift. We are convicted to constantly remind ourselves that it is not the gift (being financially stable) that ought to grant us security, but the Giver Himself. I pray that we may continue to depend on the Lord, seek Him and trust Him as this chapter closes for Erick and as we continue each day here in Louisville, Kentucky. Whatever comes next!

On Finishing Things

John Piper recently wrote his first-day thoughts on not being a pastor anymore.

I’ve been thinking about how much I love finishing things. I get great pleasure in finishing — a poem, a sermon, a book, or cutting the grass, or fixing the dripping faucet, or selling our car. It’s hard for me to walk away from something half done. 

I think Piper describes it so perfectly- because I get him! While Piper is describing an end of a season, I have been reflecting on the start of this new one. During this new season of life of being a new wife and a seminarian's wife, I have actually thought a lot about how good it feels to finish things, too.  Many of the new responsibilities of this new season of life have brought to light how much I really do treasure a completed task (and in converse, how much restlessness I can feel when a task is left incomplete!).

Before I started my job at the seminary, the Lord gave us many months to settle into our home, into the city, and into our new roles as husband and wife. I am so thankful for these months, because they gave me the opportunity to learn and get used to many practical things like managing an apartment, grocery shopping with a week of food for two in mind, cooking for a husband, and decorating and making an apartment a warm home. On a particular day, while I was trying to accomplish the many to-dos I had on my list, something happened that prevented me from crossing off a big item on my list. I don't even remember anymore what it was, but I do remember that it was something that prevented me from crossing off other things on my list and that really frustrated me. I was determined to finish the remaining tasks I could, so I got back into the car and started driving to my errands. My first thought as I wrestled with my frustration was, what can I do to make these feelings go away? Immediately I thought, maybe I should pick up some materials and make a craft, or find a recipe and bake something..anything. And then I realized, to my shame, that I was so uncomfortable with having unfinished tasks that I needed to start something new, something small, just so I could finish it and experience the instant gratification I so wanted. This was my idol. The more I reflected on it, the more I could see the truth of this idol in my life, because of the new opportunities I had to fall into it in this season of life.

I started to see how much my life now is filled with things that need to be constantly invested in, nurtured, and revisited over time. Groceries can be bought, but after a week of eating, another trip to the market will have to be made. Dishes can be washed and put away, but just after a couple of hours, the same dry, clean dish will be used for a sticky snack. The living room can be vacuumed, organized and decorated, but daily life will dirty the carpet and shift the pillows. As a result, I started to bustle so much more in this new season of responsibilities, striving for the moments, even if they were short, of having everything done. I longed for a time when all would be stocked, put away, clean, and I could let go and move on to something else. A time, when I could finish something and, well, not have to think about it anymore. I also noticed that I had started and finished a large amount of diy projects during our first couple of months here. I was excited about decorating and arranging new things in our apartment, but I had gotten to the point where I would spend an entire day on a project, just so I could finish it and start another one. I just wanted to start and finish things to finish them. (Erick started sensing that something was wrong and, thankfully, he called me out on it!)

I realized, too, that this was something I had trouble with in college, too. Somewhere between first year and my fourth year, I started to see things (and sadly, sometimes my relationships with people) more as temporary, than long-term commitments. There was never any intention to hurt anyone or to deliberately move on, but I just didn't seem to understand how to maintain things for a long period of time. Maybe because I also over committed to a lot of things, and felt so overwhelmed that I didn't know how to manage it all. That afternoon, in the quiet of my own car, the Lord helped me see that the desire in my heart to have things finished or in a "resting state" is directly related to my heart's strong resistance to progression or incremental, long-term investment. Because, I realized, progression and investment take so much work. And I? In my selfish desires, just want to have the satisfaction of being done, especially when there is so much I think I have to be doing.

But the Christian life is not like that. Life is not like that.

The Christian life is a life of progressive sanctification, of growing, investing daily, walking daily, following my Savior. And relationships aren't built with one big expression of kindness, but of daily sacrifices and encouragements, weekly decisions to intentionally have date nights, of conversations upon conversations of growing trust and shared struggles. I am not done, His work is not done in me, and my goal in life is not to complete something for the sake of finishing it. It is not to exert all I have in a short amount of time, so that I can relax at the end of it, proud of my accomplishment. I surround myself with things I have to do, try to do, all on my own. Then crumble under the weight of trying to do it all, wanting to do it all, and finishing it all. The Lord calls me to discern what is best, and to put that first- Him. He calls me to let go of the things that may be good, but that which may distract me from pursuing Him. He calls me trust Him, to cease striving, to run the race, to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and to run each step well. He calls me to patience, to waiting, to the more difficult and challenging task of building persistence and endurance on the things that matter. My walk with Him is a daily trusting in His faithfulness, a daily application of His promises, of abiding in Him. I need to revisit these over and over.

The Lord used the quiet alone time in the car, a time when I had to sit still and listen, to reveal the restlessness in my heart. There is much to fix and rearrange in my heart, I know, but the Lord is already revealing so much in His abundant grace, and I am so thankful. There is so much beauty in the way He is gently pruning me, day after day, leading me to be more like His son.

And you know what is so wonderful? At the cross, Christ already finished what I absolutely cannot.

After this, Jesus, knowing that all things had already been accomplished, to fulfill the Scripture, said, “I am thirsty.” A jar full of sour wine was standing there; so they put a sponge full of the sour wine upon a branch of hyssop and brought it up to His mouth. Therefore when Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, “It is finished!” And He bowed His head and gave up His spirit. (John 19:28-30)

Come, Spring

The weather here has been fairly all over the place and the only thing predictable about it is that it is unpredictable! Last Tuesday we had another surprise day of snow fall, which interrupted our continuous streak of 30 degree+ days the week prior. This snow quickly melted away by the late afternoon of the same day and the temperature has been slowly climbing back up again.Today the temperature hit the 60's, which is  so wonderfully warm and inviting after so many months of cold. There is a large group of daffodils planted near the entrance to our apartment complex that I have been watching every morning as I drive by on the way to work. They started to bloom early last weekend, drooped and shriveled the day it snowed, and today are in full, glorious bloom. I'm quite impressed by the little guys, their resistance to the cold and persistence in blooming despite the freezing temperatures makes me relieved and happy. I was so sad to see them start to wilt last Tuesday and so happy to see them pop right back up again today. Perhaps a small reflection of the life and hope in our Risen King, putting Death in its grave? :) I've heard so much talk about the gorgeous Spring season here that I'm rooting for the weather to finally settle down and the little flowers to come out. Come, Spring!

Erick and I decided to take a lovely 2.5 mile walk around Cherokee Park today! The park was highly recommended by friends and one even mentioned how beautiful the park looks in the Spring when the daffodils bloom. (Yes! I can't believe it either! It seems that daffodils grow in the wild here!) So we set off this afternoon looking for daffodils and other wildflowers, which, to our delight, were starting to cover the hills and creek beds! Pops of yellow everywhere in the midst of the dead leaves that hint at more life to come!

Lessons on Expectations

Sadly, Google Reader is on its way out, but Feedly has been my new blog feed organizer and I love it! It's visual, clean, and so fun to use. I do admit, having my reading organized in this new way does make me want to read more! :) This week I was so encouraged by a woman who wrote about her realization of the selfish expectations she had in her marriage. (Click here to read her post!)I was humbled as I realized that I also fall so perfectly into this same weakness and have had a blind eye to it for so long. It wasn't until marriage that I realized that I had so many expectations! My heart was deeply convicted and when I shared my new findings about my heart to Erick over dinner last night, a wide grin spread across his face. Erick has actually been trying to explain to me how difficult it can be when he feels like I have expectations he can't fulfill.Often times these expectations are not premeditated or even realized, but are exposed in our marriage when they aren't met. My sin creeps in when I allow disappointment to fester into bitterness. We both have expectations and we are learning that having them isn't necessarily wrong. Two different people with two different backgrounds, personalities, and ways of thinking are bound to run into many unmet expectations and misunderstandings. It is, however, wrong to let my disappointment set the standard of what is supposed to be objectively right and wrong in our relationship, and to set my husband up for failure when I have expectations that I never communicated or that end up being self-centered. We are learning that navigating through these different expectations requires much patience and grace. 

To take the woman's conclusion a little bit further, Erick and I came up with some additional conclusions of our own: I/we need to first examine to see if my/our expectations are good, neutral or selfish. If they are selfish or neutral, they may not be worth sharing at all and we need to repent. I/we also need to prepare my/our heart's response for when my/our expectations aren't met. In the emotion of disappointment, my natural and first desire is to have the expectation fulfilled for my own sake. Instead, I can seek to understand how Erick is expressing his love and service to me in his way, and be thankful. We can then decide together and communicate what serves one another. Erick lovingly shared that he really appreciates it when I tell him how I want to be served. In fact, it serves him greatly when I tell him, instead of having him having to play a game of "guess what Amy wants" because I want to be surprised. This also gives me opportunity to examine my expectations, share the ones that are good, and seek to set him up for success, and not for failure. Erick's job is not to fulfill my sinful desires and wants and he also can't read my mind! By God's grace we will grow in knowing each other and serving one another, fulfilling the right expectations, tossing out the bad ones and putting each other above ourselves, with God over all.

I'm so thankful for the blog posts I have been able to read from godly women who are daily relying on God's grace in the midst of their honest struggles! What a great demonstration of the body of Christ at work and the beauty of being encouraged by older women. There is such freedom in acknowledging weakness! Such freedom when  there is a God who saves.

A Year's Worth of Coffee Shops

For my 25th birthday, Erick gave me the thoughtful (and unconventional!) gift of a year's worth of weekly coffee shop sabbaths.  His gift was a way to encourage me to spend deep, unhurried time with the Lord, to devote a special portion of every week to prayer, the Word, reflecting, processing and writing, in an environment that he knows I love and reflect best in. He's heard me say time and time again how I would love to write more, how beneficial and good it has been for me, and he has also seen how some sort of life thing or distraction (including my own self!) has kept me from doing so. I am so thankful that, with his encouragement, I can be more intentional in devoting and protecting time to reflecting and writing again. I think I will start treasuring these weekend afternoons. :)

This is also my confession that I am frightened at the thought of starting to blog again, but also very excited because I know this discipline of writing is both good for my soul and an opportunity for me to share my Savior's grace in my life, and hopefully bless you along the way. I am also excited at the thought of being more consistent in dedicating myself to intentionally organizing the things the Lord is teaching me, in having a place to exercise and continue to foster my love of art, design, and His beauty in every day things, and a place for me to remind myself that my life is not meant to be saved up and shared in a finale of perfection, but in the daily, weekly confessions of my need of His grace in my life.

So here's to a year's worth of coffee shop sabbaths and, by His grace, more than that :) Here's to the beginning of blogging as a new wife, in a new city, a new state, and a new adventure.

This Season of Engagement

In this new season of being engaged, I have realized that it is so easy to be self-focused. How important it is for me to meet with my Savior daily to keep me from the traps of self-centered thinking! It is so natural to think that the wedding day is "all about me" and "my day," and that everything needs to look perfect. After all, that is what the world keeps telling me, along with the the plethora of bridal magazines that somehow end up in my mailbox. It is all too easy to slip into this kind of attitude when I'm juggling vendors or stuffing invitations in my living room because as a sinner, this kind of thinking actually originates from my sin and feeds it with pleasure.

Without the daily reading of His Word I can easily slip into the slavery of self and grow anxious at what needs to be done, what isn't looking right, or even throw an envious thought while coming across pictures from another bride's wedding day. But oh, how His Word reminds me of what weddings and marriage were created to point to! The sweet, intimate and beautiful picture of Christ and the Church: our Bridegroom, Jesus, saves us, the bride, from our sinful tendencies toward ourselves and brings great glory to God, our loving and gracious Father.

Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for our sins and for calling us Your bride. May our wedding day be a display of the wedding that is to take place when you come again and bring us Home. Sdg.

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. - Acts 20:24

The Ultimate Meaning of True Womanhood

Was blessed by this today :) The main point I treasure:

I commend to you this truth: The ultimate purpose of God in history is the display of the glory of his Son in dying for his bride. God has created man as male and female because there are aspects of Christ’s glory which would not be known if they were not reflected in the complementary differences of manhood and womanhood. Therefore, true womanhood is a distinctive calling of God to display the glory of his Son in ways that would not be displayed if there were no womanhood. Married womanhood has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that single womanhood does not have. Single womanhood has its unique potential for magnifying Christ which married womanhood does not have. So whether you marry or remain single, do not settle for a wimpy theology. It is beneath you. God is too great. Christ is too glorious. True womanhood is too strategic. Don’t waste it. Your womanhood—your true womanhood—was made for the glory of Jesus Christ.

Grace and Mercy

I'm learning so much about God's grace in my life and the need I have to give it to others, particularly to Erick. His grace and mercy is abundant and mine is but a trickle! The more I abide in the deep waters of my Savior, the more I know I will be able to love and cherish Erick.

Old lessons and new ones

I was really blessed by this article today. Some old lessons that need revisiting and some new lessons that need applying :) So thankful that the difficulties and struggles we have had in our relationship are not unique to us! More on this later :)

Here is the article: Husbands: Some Assembly Required

When doubts assail, the Lord prevails

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10

A Year's Journey

Erick wrote this to me just a week after my graduation day and the day we officially became a couple:

"It's nice being on this side of the year with you, Amy." 

It's amazing to me to think that it has been one year since this whole journey began. One whole year! And yet, I also know that with our God, this has been something that was already carefully orchestrated before time even began. Each new day that I wake up on this side of the waiting, when I think about where we were, what thoughts, emotions, prayers, cries we had to our Father just a year ago, I am reminded of His faithfulness. There was never a thought or cry unmet, never a prayer left unanswered. Always promise after promise. He has been so faithful to us and He promises to continue to be.

Something Erick told me about God's faithfulness- acknowledging His faithfulness in our lives is not only an opportunity for us to be thankful, but also an opportunity for us to be able to count on His faithfulness again in our lives. His faithfulness points us toward future faithfulness, future grace.

There is joy in expectancy.

Something that God was really teaching me and Erick during the past year is that there is joy in expectancy, there is joy in the waiting. It was so easy for us to believe that joy would come only at the end of the year and focus on the momentary affliction that seemed to rob us of that joy. Erick wrote me a letter during a more difficult time toward the end of the year, sharing with me what God was showing him when he found it hard to cultivate joy in the midst of hardship:

"I was praying more on this question today and God reminded me of some key truth (John 14:26) that I wanted to share with you, that we may rejoice in this time that can be trialsome. A way to joy within the trial itself is to fix our eyes on Jesus. He is beautiful and He is sovereign and He has conquered sin and death. Therefore, when we look at Him, we can endure whatever cross He would have us bear because we know that the work He is doing in us, in every circumstance including difficult ones, is bearing glorious fruit that far outweighs this momentary, light affliction (Hebrews 12:2)."

During this time God was reminding us and encouraging us with Philippians 4:4 and Hebrews 12, showing us that the waiting period is one that can be filled with joy when our eyes are fixed on Jesus. And this is our joy as Christians as well, while we walk this journey of life. What hope we have and what joy we can claim when our eyes are on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith! His Kingdom is both here and not yet! My friend, MaryAnn, wrote this in her blog around the same time last year:

"I think this is what (should) make the gospel so enticing.  In the gospel, we are promised an inheritance beyond comparison and guaranteed a future full of good and wonderful things.  We have Hope like no other...With Christ, I really can keep on living with a constant, continual, everyday hopeful, expectant anticipation of a miracle."

Thank you, God, for the strength, the grace and the promises You gave us to lead us through a whole year as single individuals seeking after Your will and glory. I really love the way Erick put it: even though we are no longer waiting to date, we are now seeking God together to wait on greater things to come. A new kind of wait :) Thank you, Father, for the opportunity  to wait together in a new segment of this journey. May this relationship be used for Your glory and may it continue to point us, as it has so far, to understanding more and more of Your intimate love for us.  Help us to wait with joy, for us and for Your Kingdom come.

His faithfulness today points us to future faithfulness, future grace!

By His grace

Dear Erick,

Good morning! As you can see from the time stamp on this post, the battle between Amy and jet lag still hasn't been won. Man, I thought I had it. I woke up many times between midnight and 3:30 a.m. I wonder if you woke up early today too. Since I'm up and I'm thinking about you, I thought I'd write you a letter. :)

I'm so thankful for what God has been doing since the beginning of time, what He was doing throughout fall, winter, and spring quarter, what He was doing on graduation day, how He orchestrated our Taiwan trip with its challenges and difficulties, and I'm so thankful for what He will do today and the days that He has ordained to follow. There is a peace that God was bringing up as I reflected on our trip yesterday and this peace is what continues to keep me this morning- it is the peace that our God longs to be given praise and glory and that He makes this known to those He loves and uses those who love Him to do this. This truth grounds me, guards me, and keeps me safe.  I am thankful for how He orchestrated this trip in the ways that He did and that the trip was not just an opportunity for the both of us to bask in the joy of our relationship, but to turn our eyes toward Him and continually ask Him for help in it. In this way He has turned our human eyes away from ourselves and each other to Him. I so am thankful for His desire to make Himself known through us. Again, a reminder of how much this is a privilege!

Erick, I'm so thankful for you. I'm so thankful for the ways God has created you to lead us, edify and challenge me, and the ways in which He has allowed us to experience so much together as He does this. I feel this way when I look back on our journey as a whole and I feel this when I look back on pockets of time as well, like what we experienced last night.  It is a privilege to experience so much with you and to be a part of witnessing His transforming work in you. I am also privileged and thankful that He has also allowed you to see His transforming work in me. I am learning that a God-centered relationship is one that involves being able to see, in a very intimate, personal, and deep way, a holy God work and grow and transform two wretched sinners more and more into His son.

I have loved learning more about you and learning more with you. Mm! I look forward to more of it. And? I am excited to learn how to be someone's lifetime friend. :) It has been remarkable walking on this journey with you, hand in hand.

Praise God for His awesome deeds!

With joy and by His grace,
Your girlfriend,
Amy

PS: Yes, this is the blog! :)